Every Good Lesbian…

Yes I Am (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A shot in the dark I woke up to find
You had broke all the rules
And you changed your mind
Didn’t I love you good
Didn’t I love you right
Then tell me where are you going
Dressed to kill tonight
Oh this one’s gonna hurt like hell

Answer my prayer and answer the phone
Think twice about it honey
Turn around and come on home
Lover stop lover don’t
Lover stop

Lover lover please

It’s the same old tune
I have sung before
It’s the same old game
It’s just a different score
If there was just one thing

I could call my own
It would be your love
That’s sinking like a stone
Oh this one’s gonna hurt like hell

And they hold you like I want to
And they give you what I want to
And they take it like I want to
And they make it and they break it
Why must you reject me
Why can’t you protect me

There is one or several…I forgot which. No matter, there is an unwritten, not spoken about in large lesbian lingo mixed company, rules of thumb!
Never, ever, never, ever speak poorly of Ellen DeGeneres or Melissa Etheridge to others even if you are being water tortured at a Lollapalooza music fest.
Honestly, I’ve never been one to abide by rainbow rules and I have to get something off my not so voluptuous chest. Ellen is no longer funny! She lost me between the whole white girls can’t dance routine and stumping for JC Penny.
I let that be for now.
Melissa Etheridge? Great gal from Missouri. Can play a six string guitar like nobody’s business. That being said, I have one request:
Melissa, stop with the angry lesbian breakup stories.

Take the song, Lover Please…
Maybe it’s just me but if I saw my partner going out dressed to kill at night she better bring a credit card for the nearest Hotel 6 or Bate’s motel.
Needless to say, after said fictional lover went out to paint the town rainbow and doesn’t have the decentcy to answer the phone…she’d better pack her cat up with her and her grandmother’s needle point of an overly stuffed rendition of a Calico Cat on Crack.
As far as I know, there are  do’s and don’t in any relationship. Way before a sinking feeling happens and the shit literally hits the fan, I would hope any good lesbian has the know how to get out while the getting’s good.

Bring Me Some Water

Tonight I feel so weak
But all in love is fair
I turn the other cheek
And I feel the slap and the sting of the foul night air
And I know you’re only human
And I haven’t got talking room
But tonight while I’m making excuses
Some other woman is making love to you

Somebody bring me some water
Can’t you see I’m burning alive
Can’t you see my baby’s got another lover
I don’t know how I’m gonna survive
Somebody bring me some water
Can’t you see it’s out of control
Baby’s got my heart and my baby’s got my mind
But tonight the sweet Devil‘s got my soul

When will this aching pass
When will this night be through
I want to hear the breaking glass
I only feel the steel of the red hot truth
And I’d do anything to get it out of my mind
I need some insanity that temporary kind
Tell me how will I ever be the same
When I know that woman is whispering your name

Somebody bring me some water
Can’t you see I’m burning alive
Can’t you see my baby’s got another lover
I don’t know how I’m gonna survive
Somebody bring me some water
Can’t you see it’s out of control
Baby’s got my heart and my baby’s got my mind
But tonight the sweet Devil’s got my soul

Oh, the Devil’s got my soul

Somebody bring me some water
Can’t you see I’m burning alive
Can’t you see my baby’s got another lover
I don’t know how I’m gonna survive
Somebody bring me some water
Can’t you see it’s out of control
Baby’s got my heart and my baby’s got my mind
But tonight the sweet Devil’s got my soul

Okay, so now we not only have said girlfriend going out in knock me down fuck me boots but we know point of fact…someone else is making love to her and we are at home with a carton of Riunite Red and a carton of Marlboro Reds.
Melissa has single handedly brought about a new musical genre, Angry Lesbian Leftover tunes.
I’ve seen Melissa recently, somewhere, probably on a Carnival Cruise with Rosie O’Donnell. She is aging like a bad case of chronic herpes.
Probably just me for my lyrical version of a love life is more akin to Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover, however, get your big girl panties on Melissa. Stop your bitchin’. It’s no wonder you can’t seem to hold on to a partner, they’ve probably heard all your songs and decided:
NO amount of money in the world is worth a lifetime of breaking glass and temporary insanity!