I Don’t Know What I’m Supposed to do….

To live extravagantly amongst mental illness is to know the other shoe will drop and still have the willingness to move forward.  In the eleven years that I have had the privilege to embrace the woman who has made Picasso paintings seem more palatable and random non descript voices a thing of routine…I’ve learned to give up the ghost that resides within us all.

you ask me when I think of you…just once in a very blue moon

Is it a tainted  beautiful mind that has fallen upon my ignorant and stumbling with apt goodness of good intentions that raises the bar to who I am and who I could be?  Most likely not…she is an angel that has fallen too close to the ground and I am wrought with menacingly bad chivalrous misdirected motions when the voices come to call.

Yet, this is what the world is to those of us with another with whom the world has deposited to the wayside like a brush fire somewhat out of control.

Possibly a trip to Waterloo.  A place of stolen good memories and niche in the woods of our anti social life amongst the earth people.  Just the slightest chance can arise in this the  vacant moments of what should be important in life.  It is the times when the breach of ‘let’s not talk about that today’ contract where many advocates for the advanced beyond human kindness lot may hear the pleas from the co-pilot to plights of the misunderstood.

Oh what the hell she saysI just can’t win for losingAnd she lays back down
Man there’s so many timesI don’t know what I’m doin’.  Like  I don’t know now
By the light of  the moon, she rubs her eyes.

Says  it’s funny how the night can make you blind. And I can just imagine.

And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. So I sit down and I cry too But don’t let her see

And I don’t know what I’m supposed to  do.  But if she feels bad then I do  too.  So I let her be
And she says ooh I can’t take no  more.  Her tears like diamonds on the  floor.  And her diamonds bring me  down.  Cause I can’t help her  now.
She’s down in  it.  She tried her best but now she  can’t win.  It’s hard to see them on  the ground.  Her diamonds falling  down, way down
She sits down  and stares into the distance.  And it  takes all night.  And I know I could  break her concentration.  But it  don’t feel right
By the light of the moon, she rubs her eyes.  Sits  down on the bed and starts to cry.  And there’s something less about her
And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.  So I sit down and I cry too.  But  don’t let her see
And she says  ooh, I can’t take no more.  Her tears  like diamonds on the floor. And her  diamonds bring me down.  Cause I  can’t help her now.
She’s down  in it. She tried her best but now  she can’t win.  It’s hard to see them  on the ground.

Her diamonds falling  down
She shuts out the  night. Tries to close her  eyes.  If she can find  daylight.  Then she’ll be alright,  she’ll be alright Just not  tonight.
And she says ooh, I  can’t take no more. Her tears like  diamonds on the floor.  And her  diamonds bring me down. Cause I  can’t help her now.
She’s down  in it.  She tried her best but now  she can’t win.  It’s hard to see them  on the ground.  Her diamonds  falling down.
Ooh, I can’t take no  more.  Her tears like diamonds on the  floor.  But her diamonds bring me  down.  Cause I can’t help her  now.
She’s down in  it.  She tried her best but now she  can’t win.  It’s hard to see them on  the ground.  Her diamonds falling  down
I can’t take no  more.  Diamonds on the  floor.  No more, no more, no  more. Diamonds falling  down.

Not too long ago…I found my partner with her diamonds on the floor….like I had so many times before.  Crying from with in the devil had her and she knew it was a game she wouldn’t win.

It’s hard to know that a piece of a puzzle will be missing.  No matter the pills, no matter the shrinking of the past, no longer on occasion are the voices set down in her.  The voices eventually always come around…

And, for most of the careful caretakers of priceless diamonds in the rough….

there is nothing we can do but watch the diamonds tumble down.